Relationships are tricky things, aren’t they? And great communication is one of the pillars that sustains them. I recently read an article full of questions to help you better connect with your partner. But I won’t be using them any time soon, because questions about who would play me in a movie of my life are not the questions that make a normal relationship tick.
We all know that the real questions that matter are:
- Did you put the bins out? This is basic gamesmanship. Whoever asks the question first has cleverly implied that the other person should have put the bins out. That person is now obliged to shift their lazy arse off the sofa and put them out, whether they think it’s their job or not.
- Is this the best thing that’s on the TV? This is a euphemism. What the question really means is ‘The programme you have chosen is utter tosh and I don’t want to watch it’.
- Where’s the remote control? This question is like using the indicator in a car. It signals that you want to change channel. If you can’t find the magic buttons, it’s probably because your partner loves the programme that you have just dismissed as tosh and is sitting on the remote.
- Why did you do that? I think we all know that this is not actually a question. It’s a reprimand taking the grammatical form of a question.
- Could you unload the dishwasher? Also not a question. This is a politely phrased command. Everyone in a long-term relationship knows that you fail to unload the dishwasher at your peril.
- How do I look? This is a question, but it’s a trick question. There is only one correct answer and if you don’t know it by now you will probably never be able to hold down a stable and fulfilling relationship.
And finally, a question that probably doesn’t feature in every relationship, but which is one of my favourites and which I give you for free to use at your leisure…
- Does anyone mind if I eat the last biscuit? Psychological warfare at its absolute best. I mean, who would be so rude and selfish as to answer ‘Actually I mind, because I want to eat that biscuit myself’?